Self-destructive Behavior Critics Pillows

"I think that deep down, he always wanted to get caught."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

"That can't be right. How'd you work 15 hours in on day?"

"No you are not ok! Tell me what's wrong! You've been sitting for two minutes without checking your phone!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"He's brilliant, exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

CONGRESS, 'You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time -- you just have to fool the press!'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

"Everyone thinks I have a lot of self control, but I refill it hourly."

"OK, has anyone got a better idea?"

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

'Loser on Board'

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

"Bob believes that most of his deeply held opinions are the result of 'extensive research," but I sort of suspect they're just the result of prompts suggested by the Youtube algorithm."

"It's very me, but I hate myself."

"A breakthrough, but not a major breakthrough."

'Why do they always pick on me...?'

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

'Don't make my nose too big!'

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

'Oh, I have a very important job. I'm in charge of synchronizing all of the television commercials.'

"He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his big pot!"

"Nope, never did a TED Talk or performed on 'The Moth.' I'm Dennis, the fish guy from Price Chopper."

'I was never a big fan of running, anyway.'