Secretive Scribbler Gifts

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'Anorak anoraks'.

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

'If you don't learn how to sign your name, you'll have to pay cash!'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

Bird Watching with Binoculars

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Hans Holbein

Will Self deprecation

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

How to create a brilliant cartoon

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

Modern Nursery Rhymes

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."

'I remember my pin but I've forgotten my signature!'

Writer’s Corner

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Would it hurt you to take two minutes from writing code to write your grandmother?"

A pen spewing letters

"It's the worst case of writer's block Sidney has ever had. He hasn't put a word on the page since fifth grade!"

'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

"I've learned to express my anger through my writing instead."

Recycling Station: Manuscripts.

Kate Atkinson

"It took me 4 years to finish my book!"