Obscene Scribbler Gifts

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

Replacement Bus Spotters.

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

'Are you sure this is the only way to get rid of your writers block?'

Musical Prodigy

"I decided to burn all my previous napkins and start fresh."

'He's just come back from a 'stress management' course.'

Writer’s Corner

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."

Writer's Block

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

"It's the worst case of writer's block Sidney has ever had. He hasn't put a word on the page since fifth grade!"

A pen spewing letters

"Baldo, it's great that you want to draw editorial cartoons for the school paper. But effective cartoons comment on important issues. They are not a forum for your personal agenda."

'I can't read a word of this essay of yours. Excellent work.'

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

John Bolton

Dear Diary...Royal Diary

Must be old-timers – You don't see cursive anymore.

"Please stop signing your monitor's screen. There is a proper way to sign a document someone emails you."

"Careful - it's full of lies."

Kate Atkinson

"But I have a hard time calling this real writing."

'Fifty-seven authors, and neither one of us was included.'