Snacky Scribbler Gifts

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

Replacement Bus Spotters.

'Anorak anoraks'.

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

'Hows it coming?'

Will Self deprecation

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'Your poetry totally captures the raw, primitive essence of the writing workshops you've attended.'

Anna Burns

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

'He's just come back from a 'stress management' course.'

"I decided to burn all my previous napkins and start fresh."

Writer’s Corner

Screenwriters, Inc. Send this revised script to Rupert Murdoch! Right! I'll fax the fix to Fox!

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

"It's the worst case of writer's block Sidney has ever had. He hasn't put a word on the page since fifth grade!"

"No wonder you're struggling with your novel. You're not wearing your writer's hat."

A pen spewing letters

"Baldo, it's great that you want to draw editorial cartoons for the school paper. But effective cartoons comment on important issues. They are not a forum for your personal agenda."

'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

"I've learned to express my anger through my writing instead."