Secretive Scribbler T-Shirts

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"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'Anorak anoraks'.

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'If you don't learn how to sign your name, you'll have to pay cash!'

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

Bird Watching with Binoculars

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

Hans Holbein

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

Will Self deprecation

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

How to create a brilliant cartoon

Modern Nursery Rhymes

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."

'I have a case of...oh, heck. What's that called?'

'I remember my pin but I've forgotten my signature!'

Writer’s Corner

Screenwriters, Inc. Send this revised script to Rupert Murdoch! Right! I'll fax the fix to Fox!

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Would it hurt you to take two minutes from writing code to write your grandmother?"

A pen spewing letters

"It's the worst case of writer's block Sidney has ever had. He hasn't put a word on the page since fifth grade!"

'Dammit, Bubbles, we need this memoir yesterday - write, damn you!'

"I've learned to express my anger through my writing instead."

Recycling Station: Manuscripts.

Dear Diary...Royal Diary