Script Scholar Gifts

Dear Diary

Eugene Ionesco

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'They all want to play the star.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

Hollywood producer.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

Romans.

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"Great money scenes!"

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"I had that dream again where you're writing down all my fears and anxieties and working them into a screenplay."

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"He's left a suicide screenplay."