Script Scholar Gifts

Dear Diary

Eugene Ionesco

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'They all want to play the star.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

Hollywood producer.

"Wow! That's some PowerPoint presentation."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

Romans.

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"I had that dream again where you're writing down all my fears and anxieties and working them into a screenplay."

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"Great money scenes!"

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"