Script Guru Gifts

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

"When you say you're behind me 100%, do you mean base ten or binary?"

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Hollywood producer.

Hollywood producer.

Eugene Ionesco

"Great money scenes!"

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

Dear Diary

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

Inventor of Morse Code

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Scrip Doctor

"I just don't think a giant flaming blob of alien ectoplasm would say that."

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

"If Neil Simon's going to keep writing them, we're going to keep seeing them."

"For his next picture, my client wants creative control, script approval, and a percentage of the gross. Is that clear?"

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

Subtitles for the Stupid

Great script, great cinematography, great everything. But the whole 3D thing is lost on me.