Script Guru T-Shirts

"Cut! And that's a wrap."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"When you say you're behind me 100%, do you mean base ten or binary?"

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

Eugene Ionesco

"Great money scenes!"

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

Inventor of Morse Code

Dear Diary

Woody Allen

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Scrip Doctor

"I just don't think a giant flaming blob of alien ectoplasm would say that."

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

"Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements."

Great script, great cinematography, great everything. But the whole 3D thing is lost on me.

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"