Script Enthusiast Gifts

'I just cant do it...the script says enter stage left and I'm a Conservative.'

Write a Screenplay

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

Christopher Fry.

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"I enjoyed your script. Let me nap all day, ignore it for a while, and if I feel like I want attention, I'll get back to you."

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

"I'm perfect for the screenwriter's job. And if you don't like my résumé, I've got 12 more with alternative endings!"

'I'm writing a screenplay that every studio in Hollywood will want to produce. It's about an honest, hard-working, moral CEO.'

"I..I've forgotten my line! Please read forward and return to me later!"

'Reckless Rick has already lost three matches this year, but rumor has it that he's looking for a new writer...'

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

Tom Stoppard.

Subtitles for the Stupid

Hollywood producer.

"Wait till to meet him, Mom! He reads books, has a checking account, and can even write script!"

"You each have a job to do and I want you to give it your best as we read my screenplay."

"Oh, pardon me. That's not the menu , that's my screenplay."

"Can you read all the way to the last line and let me know if the characters' motivations are clear?"

Dustin Lance Black

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

"You want the gimmick? Here's the gimmick. Kevin Costner won't produce it, he won't direct it, and he won't star in it."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

A pretention of playwrights

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Great money scenes!"

Eugene Ionesco

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Dear Diary