Scriptwriting Guru Gifts

"I just don't think a giant flaming blob of alien ectoplasm would say that."

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Mensa Does Improv

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

A pretention of playwrights

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Hollywood producer.

'Hang on a minute...'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Actor practising his indian war crys

Hollywood producer.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

"Great money scenes!"

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

"Don't forget the screenplay."