Script Writers Gifts

7 Days in Mayberry: 'It's about an attempted coup against Sheriff Taylor.'

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

A pretention of playwrights

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

Wizard of Oz - repeat fees

Hollywood producer.

Hollywood producer.

'Hang on a minute...'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"BBC One’s Casualty has reached its 1000th episode. The long-running hospital drama is apparently very popular with viewers... But even more popular among jobbing actors."

"I had that dream again where you're writing down all my fears and anxieties and working them into a screenplay."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."