Scriptwriting Aficionados Gifts

'I'm groping for a snappy, Hollywood-style one-liner in answer to your question, your Honor, but all I'm coming up with is 'Not Guilty!''

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

A pretention of playwrights

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Hollywood producer.

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'Hang on a minute...'

Actor practising his indian war crys

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Hollywood producer.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

"Don't forget the screenplay."

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."