Script Writing Gifts

Directors Chair and Others.

Monk on PC.

Call now! Performers in dramatizations in informercials often rush through their lines. They're following the exhortation to "act quickly."

"We'd like to make your greeting card into a movie trilogy."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

A pretention of playwrights

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Mensa Does Improv

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'Hang on a minute...'

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

Actor practising his indian war crys

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Hollywood producer.