Scripts Gifts

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

Actor looks at script called The Sandi Toksvig Story. He says: 'It's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to play the Dane.'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'They all want to play the star.'

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Mensa Does Improv

A pretention of playwrights

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Hang on a minute...'

Actor practising his indian war crys

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Hollywood producer.

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Hollywood producer.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

TV Situations vacant.

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."