Scripting Gifts

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

A pretention of playwrights

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Mensa Does Improv

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'Hang on a minute...'

Hollywood producer.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"Don't forget the screenplay."

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

"Great money scenes!"

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."