Script Scout Gifts

"Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'They all want to play the star.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Hollywood producer.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

Eugene Ionesco

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

Dear Diary

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

Subtitles for the Stupid

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

"Yeah, the Declaration of Independence is beautiful! What font is that?"

"Careful. This guy's packin' heat..."

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

"No, Barbara, this wouldn't make a great 'Seinfeld' episode!"

Directors Chair and Others.

Write a Screenplay

Actor looks at script called The Sandi Toksvig Story. He says: 'It's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to play the Dane.'

'I'm writing a screenplay that every studio in Hollywood will want to produce. It's about an honest, hard-working, moral CEO.'