Script Critic Gifts

"Damn it, Eddie, you told me this script was stupid."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

A pretention of playwrights

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Hollywood producer.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Eugene Ionesco

"Great money scenes!"

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

'I suspect the cow jumping over the moon is an illusion or swamp gas.'

Dear Diary

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

Woody Allen

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Scrip Doctor

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

Subtitles for the Stupid

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

Great script, great cinematography, great everything. But the whole 3D thing is lost on me.