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"Damn it, Eddie, you told me this script was stupid."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

A pretention of playwrights

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Hollywood producer.

Hollywood producer.

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

Eugene Ionesco

"Great money scenes!"

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

Scrip Doctor

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Dear Diary

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

'I suspect the cow jumping over the moon is an illusion or swamp gas.'

"Sure, it's a little formulaic but I love it!"

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

Great script, great cinematography, great everything. But the whole 3D thing is lost on me.

"If Neil Simon's going to keep writing them, we're going to keep seeing them."

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

Subtitles for the Stupid