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If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

The Forever Stamp

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

*2020

Born Cynical,,,,

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

The first accurate poll.

'Holding in your stomach won't help, sir.'

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'