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"I don't like it already."

"Curtain going up. Third act – and the bitter disappointment it is."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

"I feel I've outgrown this facility, Mrs. Thompson. Could we see what else is around?"

"It's a play on words."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Jack-a-box in the theatre.

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

William Shakespeare

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

Midsummer Night's Dream

'I said, you're supposed to be in the underworld.'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Is there a psychiatrist in the house - the cast is very depressed over opening night reviews!'

"How come there's no feel-good performance art?"

Ticket - At the Theatre in the Hay Market - The Authors Benefit Pasquin.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Chekov play and scorecard,

'He's a parody of a tired genre.'

Off Off Off Off Broadway

The Modern Godot

"The audience is really classy tonight, they are throwing quail eggs."

'The theater better put on good shows this fall, because we're having a bumper tomato crop.'

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

What a lousy season - there hasn't been a good comedy in months.

'I see the critics say I need a new partner.'

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

Edmund Kean Supporting Drury Lane

West End Shows closing - box office piled high with boxes.

"Well yes, you're a worker, but I think we can both agree that you're not a hard worker now, can't we?"

"I sensed a fine balance between the misery on the stage and the misery in the audience."