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"The bad news is Lady Sybil has died in childbirth. On the other hand, Bates is back home and Tom's sticking around to help run the estate."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"I don't mind if something's Shakespearean, just as long as it it's not Shakespeare."

"The third act could use more drama, Sophocles. Try putting in a voter referendum."

"Shelly, sign the darn divorce papers!"

'Oh my gosh, I never even knew that there was an award for 'worst drama'! Thank you! Thank you!'

'Is that true? - Did you tape over her soap opera?'

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

'...just a reminder, this really is the news. It's not a movie or one of those reality shows.'

Welcome to the wonderful world of abstract mime.

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

'If you were disturbed by any issues raised, please call your mum.'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

'They all want to play the star.'

Herman Mankiewicz

'Hamlet'

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

Trump! The Musical

"They've remained remarkably faithful to the text."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."