Screwball Slugger Gifts

'This pitcher throws screwballs. Better hand me my 'special' bat.'

High-gravity baseball

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Giant slug attacks a city

"Remember, kids, it's not winning that matters, it's getting a clean urine sample that's important."

"All this pitching and hitting- I'm convinced there's a deeper meaning to it all."

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

The Giamatti era

'I was up twice and got one hit, which gives me an lifetime average of 500!'

"I need to buy a faster fastball."

'Well, Jimmy, it's your turn to go get it.'

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

'It's only a slug Norman.'

"I know I told you to fool him into thinking you've got nothing left, but now you've got me convinced."

'No, Billy, their first baseman is messing with your head. You won't go to hell for stealing second.'

'Play your best. There's going to be a scout for the ten year olds in the stands!'

'I thought you invited me to play T-ball!'

Organic Salad

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'Dad, the baby has swallowed your nails.'

"A little high and inside."

Combing Baseball and Violin Practice.

' . . . and a surplus screw for the heck of it!'

"Will the witness please refrain from shagging flies."

Fans Desperately Try To Catch A Baseball

'What exactly is it you dislike about slugs, Mister Crabtree?'

"Have you SEEN what an angry slug can do to a delphinium?"

'Are you the person I see about getting a sign-up bonus and a salary?'

"Maybe Papi will believe it was a drive-by pitch."

"You still need that recipe for boiling water?"

'He had a great screwball until his arm went bad.'

'Don't worry Hal, I think if you pour salt on them, they completely shrivel up.'

"There it is Derek,....our nemesis!"