School Systems Critic Gifts

"Tell your mum and dad I'd be very happy to pay the fines if they would take you out of school during term time!"

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"I don't mind them counting the days 'til school's out, but I wish they wouldn't do it on their fingers."

'Oh no! The sharp elbowed middle class!'

Go to M.I.T., they said. You'll do great things, they said.

'My father says, these intelligence tests are biased towards the intelligent.'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

"They make us learn reading, writing, and arithmetic to prepare us for a world of videotapes, computer terminals and calculators."

Cover Design for the Savoy (No. 7)- the Eternal Problem of Youth and Pedantry

"Sorry, class, but because of new deregulations, I don't have to teach you anything this year."

'Going to school is NOT an abusive relationship!'

'Ms. Peters, hold all calls. I'm busy implementing yet another hastily conceived and unproven education innovation.'

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

"What did I learn in school today...I learned I don't like school!"

'A hidden cost of implementing common core standards in education...'

'Take this back to the committee. Since this is a school I would like the mission statement to mention education.'

"Why do I have to work hard at school? I can buy a degree on the internet!"

'Dad said that experience is the best teacher, so I cut school and went to the video arcade.'

Remembering the words of his 8th grade Algebra teacher, Moose bought his old middle school and made a mockery out of it.

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

Cutting Room Floor

"The Feds have authorized me to leave your child behind."

Grading Guidelines.

David Cameron Parenting Classes: 'After registering them for Eton the next most important thing is selecting the right nanny!'

'This is just my part in the growing crisis in education.'

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"I see you graduated Summa Cum Laude, but then didn't your whole graduating class."

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"Studies show teens get sleepy later than adults and need more sleep. We should start the school day later..."

Standardized Testing

Inspector of schools