School Survivalist Gifts

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

"I don't know how much longer I can last. I may have to drop out." . . . "But honey ... you're the teacher."

'On the other hand, if I never finish anything I can't be a complete failure...'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"Oh, this Clyde. He's my anti-bullying campaign."

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

Back to school: 'You don't have to look quite so happy every time you see that sign.'

"Second grade is tough, little brother. It's the year teachers no longer believe your dog ate your homework."

'I'm staying in the fifth grade for an unprecedented third term.'

"Summer is going by too fast. I'm Googling how to slow down time now, and speed up time during the school year."

'The dog ate my homework -- I thought maybe you could X-ray him.'

'How will I know when my number's up?'

Teacher said the C's she put face up indicate slight improvement.

'All tooled up for the new school term?'

I'm doing poorly, but that's without performance enhancing drugs.

'I know school prepares you for life, Dad, but there must be a better way!'

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

'Do you mind if I pray just this once?'

'Teachers can't be bought off with apples today. Maybe if I gave her small kitchen appliances?'

"I know I should live every day like it's my last, but if I skip class and my mom finds out it will be my last."

"I've never been in there. Most of my down-time is spent in the Principal's office."

"Every year it's the same story...dangerous situations. Slippery slopes. Inescapable traps. Horrible creatures. But I trudge forward because no matter what...it's hard to avoid the first day of school."

"Yesterday's weenies have migrated in with today's nuggets."

"There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how to implement the co-operative learning program!"

"Finger painting, alphabet, numbers, noisy bus ride home...better make it a chocolate."

"I hope we can have sex education today. Last week Miss had a headache."

"Using Siri to help me answer the questions isn't cheating. I consider it being resourceful."

"So, how did your first day go at teaching grade school?"

"I can't help my poor grades... I don't sit next to any smart kids to copy from!"

"It's easier to get through the day if you look at middle school as just another life hack."

"Fashion statement??? I thought you were in trouble for playing hooky."

"He just tested positive for covid - and nits."

Double chocolate milk. The hard stuff. What happened, Timmy? The kids at school. They made fun of me. They said … Go ahead. It's okay. It's too embarrassing. The worst. I'm a loser. You are not. What'd they say? They said I can't multitask! Loser.

Riding the bus to school is humiliating. So bike. My helmet squashes my hair. Get your mom to carpool. Then I'd owe her even more chores. Offer her this as an alternative. I am not home schooling you!! It's on you if I turn to drugs and crime.