Student Survivalists Gifts

'Ever wonder how you're going to pay off your school loan?'

'Thank-you God.'

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

"We hardly ever intercept hard copy notes anymore, Stanley."

"Where are redactions when you need them?"

'Let's put it this way Tommy, if we could go below F minus you would be forging new territory!'

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

I'm doing poorly, but that's without performance enhancing drugs.

'I'm reporting you to the Department of Education!'

"Yes, I'm sure of my 3 wishes - I wish I had a pen, I wish I had paper to write a 'rescue me' note, and I wish I had a bottle to send it in"

"If nothing else, school has prepared me for a lifetime of backpacking."

'First semester, you learn the numbers. Second semester, you use them to count the days 'til school is out.'

Santa Claus delivers present to man stranded on desert island.

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'On the other hand, if I never finish anything I can't be a complete failure...'

'It's the worst possible diagnosis a bear can receive -- sleep apnea.'

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

A castaway on an island with an old TV that's washed ashore, sees two men in an approaching boat marked, 'TV Licensing'.

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

"Back to school can bring on the summertime blues."

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

"Keep in mind that it was put there by the sharks."

Milestone in a college student's life: 'Hey! I just got my first collection agency letter, dunning me for my credit card debt!'

Academia Can Kill By Degrees

'What did you learn at university today?'

"Now do you believe me?"

'Stop! Wait 'til he finishes cleaning my teeth!'

The Hard Drive Ate My Homework.

"Our computers will be down for an hour, so I advise everyone to hide under their desks. The last time it was total anarchy until we were back online."

"I wish school was more like TV."

"There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how to implement the co-operative learning program!"

Gone for Broke College

"You know you're in trouble when you stop praying for the answers and start begging."

'DO we have a Math test today?'