College Survivalist Gifts

'Oh he's my loans officer.'

"Now that my last kid graduated I'm hoping to change my status from nonprofit."

'Thank-you God.'

"We hardly ever intercept hard copy notes anymore, Stanley."

'Let's put it this way Tommy, if we could go below F minus you would be forging new territory!'

"Where are redactions when you need them?"

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

I'm doing poorly, but that's without performance enhancing drugs.

'I'm reporting you to the Department of Education!'

College student cleans messy dorm room littered with clothes with leafsnow blower

'First semester, you learn the numbers. Second semester, you use them to count the days 'til school is out.'

"Why can't we just have a normal home security system like the neighbours."

Santa Claus delivers present to man stranded on desert island.

'On the other hand, if I never finish anything I can't be a complete failure...'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

"Back to school can bring on the summertime blues."

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

"Keep in mind that it was put there by the sharks."

Milestone in a college student's life: 'Hey! I just got my first collection agency letter, dunning me for my credit card debt!'

The Hard Drive Ate My Homework.

"Our computers will be down for an hour, so I advise everyone to hide under their desks. The last time it was total anarchy until we were back online."

"I wish school was more like TV."

"You know you're in trouble when you stop praying for the answers and start begging."

Academia Can Kill By Degrees

"There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how to implement the co-operative learning program!"

'What did you learn at university today?'

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

'It's called sustainable living. He can survive for days out here.'

"Please wait while I load up software you'll never use and stick random icons all over the place."

'DO we have a Math test today?'

"Summer is going by too fast. I'm Googling how to slow down time now, and speed up time during the school year."

"Second grade is tough, little brother. It's the year teachers no longer believe your dog ate your homework."