College Survivalists Gifts

'Thank-you God.'

"We hardly ever intercept hard copy notes anymore, Stanley."

'Let's put it this way Tommy, if we could go below F minus you would be forging new territory!'

"Where are redactions when you need them?"

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

I'm doing poorly, but that's without performance enhancing drugs.

'I'm reporting you to the Department of Education!'

"Yes, I'm sure of my 3 wishes - I wish I had a pen, I wish I had paper to write a 'rescue me' note, and I wish I had a bottle to send it in"

"If nothing else, school has prepared me for a lifetime of backpacking."

College student cleans messy dorm room littered with clothes with leafsnow blower

"Why can't we just have a normal home security system like the neighbours."

Santa Claus delivers present to man stranded on desert island.

'On the other hand, if I never finish anything I can't be a complete failure...'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'Straying from the subject, Danny, is not distance learning.'

A castaway on an island with an old TV that's washed ashore, sees two men in an approaching boat marked, 'TV Licensing'.

"Back to school can bring on the summertime blues."

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

"Keep in mind that it was put there by the sharks."

Milestone in a college student's life: 'Hey! I just got my first collection agency letter, dunning me for my credit card debt!'

"There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how to implement the co-operative learning program!"

The Hard Drive Ate My Homework.

"I wish school was more like TV."

"Now do you believe me?"

'Stop! Wait 'til he finishes cleaning my teeth!'

"Our computers will be down for an hour, so I advise everyone to hide under their desks. The last time it was total anarchy until we were back online."

Academia Can Kill By Degrees

'It's called sustainable living. He can survive for days out here.'

Publish and Be Damned

'Are you sure this is just a mirage we're crawling through?'

"Summer is going by too fast. I'm Googling how to slow down time now, and speed up time during the school year."

"Second grade is tough, little brother. It's the year teachers no longer believe your dog ate your homework."

"Me, I eat mostly roadkill: it saves me countess hours of hunting and stalking and leaves me time to concentrate on my art. . ."