School Food Critics Gifts

'Is the scab-e-matter custard and green snot pie organic?'

Do you have to write the 5 paragraph essays to be a rich investment banker? Or rock star? Or famous actress? No. No. And no. Then why learn to write one? So when those jobs don't work out

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

'I'm NOT trying to break in and change my grades. I'm only trying to change the school lunch menu.'

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

"They don't make formula the way they used to."

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

'Hello - is that Jamie Oliver?'

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'