School Food Critics Gifts

'Is the scab-e-matter custard and green snot pie organic?'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

'I'm NOT trying to break in and change my grades. I'm only trying to change the school lunch menu.'

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

"They don't make formula the way they used to."

'Hello - is that Jamie Oliver?'

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

'When Mom said you should eat a lot of green stuff, I don't think she meant grasshoppers.'