Satirical-sista Gifts

'I have my faults but being wrong isn't one of them!'

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

"Everybody gets a raise."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

The breakup

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

Office of the PR of the United States

'I might even change my views on genetics research if scientists could genetically engineer supreme court appointees!'

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

The Good Breathing Guide

When staffing agencies screw up.

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

Santa Elevator

'Marketing reports they're fooled all of the people all of the time.'

Let's tell the folks in the Garlic Belt there's no budget for steps 2 and 3.

"Oh! I thought that was our party manifesto..."

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

"Papers late again, Murphy?"

'Mom always told us to eat the greens!'

'Sales are up 12% since we moved Recovery over here to the hospital gift shop.'