Satirical Sermon-goer Gifts

The wages of sin is death! 'Boy, sinners must have a TERRIBLE union!'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"...and in conclusion..."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

A virtue of vicars

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

Minister's File

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

Pastor of Muppets

"I want you to leave here today with a message of joy!..."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

Man in church sees sign: Thank you for not yawning.

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."