Satirical Sermon Enthusiast Gifts

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit about fifteen per cent of the earth, a hundred-per-cent increase over what they have today."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

Trappist Monk Discord

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"...and in conclusion..."

Sermon Applause.

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Clone Factory

Militant Pacifists

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

"Inactivists"