Satirical Office Commentator Gifts

Move to end cap on list sizes could lead to giant practices.

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"That arrow always goes to the bottom when I walk by."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Do you think we should look again at who we invite to these meetings?"

The role of administration.

'I'm sorry, Henderson - But profits are down and we have to make sacrifices.'

"Let's kick off this Human Resource action with a game of Musical Chairs."