Satirical Gastronome Gifts

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

The BLTR (the bacon, lettuce, tomato, revolution)

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

1% Cereal: Now with marshmallow dollar signs.

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"Here comes the tossed salad!"

'People soup again?'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"I recommend the businessman's lunch, sir, mammon notwithstanding."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

"What will change my life?"

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

Commie Chef.

"Never mind the cost of living crisis, dear, you still need your 5-a-day."

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'