Satirical Believer Gifts

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

"The water changes them back into babies. I think they call it the Fountain of Youth."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'Yes, all at once!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"Relax, folks! I’m a lawyer. I can always find loopholes!"

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

'Even More Disciples'

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Cheap Labour Countries.