Satirical Skeptic Gifts

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Is that what you want to be? A slave to capitalism. . ."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"My latest sighting turned out to be just another weather balloon."

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

Strainspotting

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

"God works in mysterious ways."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"The figures would seem to indicate that you're not really a scientist."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."