Satirical Scientist Gifts

"This is the irrefutable proof that the world will end in 35 minutes. With this knowledge we can make millions! We just have to be damn fast. . ."

"Thank god they're testing the COVID-19 vaccine on humans first."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

"Hi germ, pick on someone your own size."

Strainspotting

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I couldn't think of a science fair project so I just re-invented the wheel.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Reverse psychology

'Still think nuclear testing is harmless?'

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"The blood test will take a couple of days, but I'm pretty sure it's just ketchup."

'Hey, that one looks just like a visible mass of condensed water vapour floating in the atmosphere.'

"And now, speaking against the theory of evolution..."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.