Satirical Scholars Gifts

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

Let me take this opportunity to let you know I'm ready for any odd jobs...

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

Occu-Pie Mars

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

Strainspotting

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'