Satirical Pundits Gifts

John Bolton.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Skeptic Tank.

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

The World's Biggest Book Club

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"A Bill of Rights? - Don't you TRUST me?"

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'I'd go back if I were you.'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

National Living Wage from April 1st.

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

'Bedtime stories at the Browns'.'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'You understand, Yomp, it's not me speaking. It's the corporation!'

"Picking the right ethnicity of your nanny is the single-hardest part of being a mother these days."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'