Satirical Analysts Gifts

Book about the real meaning of Christmas is on sale.

Occu-Pie Mars

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

They're Not Just That Into It

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

Reverse psychology

Strainspotting

The World's Biggest Book Club

Under new blame.

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'I'd go back if I were you.'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Coronavirus Windmills

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."