Satirical Life Analyst Gifts

'I never finished college, but the $60,000 my parents spent on my education should count for something.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Crap from the future.

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Modern Life Blues

Snowman Driver

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"I owe all my success to the psychiatrist who gave me the word GREED as my mantra!"

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'Elaine, no interruptions for the next ten seconds please.'

"It's all about teamwork. We even have our own mascot."

A cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. Or a weak arm.

"Very funny."

"A little hard work never killed anyone. But still, why tempt fate?"

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

Psychological Warfare Target Practice

"Working from home again, Jerry?"

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

Europe

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

"He looks so natural."

'Man, this elevator goes on forever...'