Modern Life Analyst Gifts

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

"Very funny."

"Can you describe these countless wasted hours that ultimately make up the bulk of your life?"

Society - then and now.

Crap from the future.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

They say there's more people sharing the experience of living alone.

Food of the Demigods

Vending machine offers tea and sympathy

"He looks so natural."

"Quick, call the police while I post this on Facebook."

Modern Life Blues

Woman at vending machine: 'Keeping Up With The Joneses ... Deposit 50 Cents'

"Everyone's life looks like a spring break montage, whereas mine feels like a sad court hearing."

"Fabric softener, chain restaurants, divorce—you millennials are killing everything. I'm impressed."

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

Walk signal deposit 25¢ push button

"I'm crazed with this noble path- let me get back to you."

New Jersey's Miracle Mile.

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

"Pop-up prison."

"He's in the other room, grumbling about the culture."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'