Modern Life Observer Gifts

"Sure, I follow the herd- out of a deep respect for the concept of community."

"I spend too much time really listening to others, making direct eye contact and giving my full attention. Can you help me, doc?"

"It's free, but they sell your information."

"Good heavens! Who hooked you up? This one is cable TV!"

"Your sister got another promotion."

"I'm rich, you're thin. Together, we're perfect."

"These days it's called crowd-funding."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

"Auto reply: I am dead and will have limited access to e-mail."

Caller I.Q.

'Let's see if he makes it through the night. Could you hold off updating his Facebook page until then?'

"He was much more effective in the field."

Plan B

Complaints department is a mirror.

"Before you take me away I just want to update my profile picture."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Your barn door is open."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"The days of the bartender-psychologist are over, but I can help if you have any software problems."

Broke.com

'That's Timmy - his family is really poor and on food stamps!'...'I know...poor guy...they only have one HD flat screen and his cell phone doesn't even have internet.'

'I'd like to report a stolen phone...'

Blogging Shoes

Drive thru high school.

Guide dogs assist people glued to their phones

"Personalized!", "Custom!", "Individual use!", "Singular!"

"Now that you've taken my order, can you give me a tracking number?"

"Wow! Why do you have no tattoos?"

Unsocial Media

'Look, the earbuds are in bloom.'

"Somebody has been giving my porridge one-and-a-half-star reviews also!"

"Whatever gave you the idea there'd be a long line?"

'Hi, it's me, my therapist said I should communicate more...'

Your employment has been terminated.

"The way I've got it doped out, postmodern man is all context and fragment."