Modern Life Analysis Gifts

Frank peels away civilizations fragile veneer and, much to his surprise, discovers beautiful hardwood floors underneath.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

#Whyneighborsdon'tknowtheirneighbors

'I can't wait 'til hunting is googling and gathering is calling out for delivery.'

Crap from the future.

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

Weird things I do because of the internet

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Did you get my tweet?"

The Modern Novel.

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

'Thanks for the book, dad. Now I can reach my computer!'

'This is suppose to be progress.'

Fur Baby

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

i-teddy

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

Tunnel of TV

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."