Modern Life Reflections Gifts

"We never have any money! Just my luck to marry a window washer."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

Crap from the future.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Did you get my tweet?"

Weird things I do because of the internet

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Tunnel of TV

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"How is it gendered?"

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"The club scene is really changing."

"I said remember those extra years we added to our lives by good clean livin'?"

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Where Are They Now?'

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."