Modern Life Gifts

"I try to keep my coffee buzz going till the Martini buzz kicks in."

"Sure, I follow the herd- out of a deep respect for the concept of community."

Coffee options.

"How are you fixed for oats?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

"It's free, but they sell your information."

'She looks so liberated.'

"How is it gendered?"

"At this point, my privacy needs are interfering with my intimacy goals."

'Why aren't I in school? I have an app that does that for me.'

The Dying Art of Storytelling

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

Vegan Insomnia

I'm Proud of my Gay Son!....I'm Proud of my Cross-Dressing Dad.

The Land Of Milk And Honey: Day 1

"All in favor of the old, uncomfortable chairs?"

Man walks by a snowman talking on a cellphone

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

'You'll have to excuse me. I'm not used to talking to people, in real-time, without using a mobile device.'

"If the average attention span is 8 seconds, why are most commercials 30 seconds?"

"These days it's called crowd-funding."

"It's great for multicrastinating."

"Very funny."

"Sometimes I wish they'd never perfected setless television."

The ascent of man.

"Spirit! Are you a chatbot?"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Society - then and now.

Stone Age/Golden Age/Space Age/Garbage.

"I'm not praying. I was just looking for a quiet and shady place to use my smartphone."

"Please select hymn number 637 on your i-pods."

Crap from the future.

"The Passive-Agressive Door-Holding Game:See if you can make an innocent stranger hurry from more than fifteen feet away while you hold the door."

"Before you go, would you mind taking a few moments to fill out a short form rating your relationship experience?"

Not in the mood for human interaction line