Modern Life Thinker Gifts

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"Gee, you're not at all like your obituaries."

"My need is such I pretend too much I'm lonely but no one can tell."

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

'Don't worry about the thumb sucking...she'll be texting with it soon enough.'

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

What every man thinks to himself when he puts on a pink shirt.

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."

"I wasn't copying off others. I was just crowdsourcing the answers."

Daily Routine

"This looks good, Jim, but we'd better run it by legal, Siri, and Alexa."

Early Man Late Man

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"If you prayed to Google instead of God, you might get a constructive response."

'I ink, therefore I am....'

'An ebook! What are you reading?' 'Against technology: From the Luddites to neo-Luddism.'

'I've got a highspeed connection and I get spam... therefore I am!'

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Truth

"Already my computer is outmoded, but i try to tell myself that my computer isn't ME."