Modern Life Thinker Gifts

"I can't eat these nutrition bars. They're for women."

"Gee, you're not at all like your obituaries."

"My need is such I pretend too much I'm lonely but no one can tell."

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

'Don't worry about the thumb sucking...she'll be texting with it soon enough.'

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

What every man thinks to himself when he puts on a pink shirt.

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."

"I wasn't copying off others. I was just crowdsourcing the answers."

'I ink, therefore I am....'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Daily Routine

"This looks good, Jim, but we'd better run it by legal, Siri, and Alexa."

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

"If you prayed to Google instead of God, you might get a constructive response."

Early Man Late Man

'I've got a highspeed connection and I get spam... therefore I am!'

'An ebook! What are you reading?' 'Against technology: From the Luddites to neo-Luddism.'