Midlife Analyst Gifts

"This article says more and more men are joining religious extremist groups."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Your contents have shifted."

Crap from the future.

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"I'm here for the hair."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

Modern Life Blues

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

Postcards from Heaven...

Menopause and the City

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

Midlife: You Are Here.

"Fill'er up with testosterone."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

"Very funny."

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

"This next one's for you, babe."