Midlife Analyst Gifts

"This article says more and more men are joining religious extremist groups."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Your contents have shifted."

Crap from the future.

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"I'm here for the hair."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

Modern Life Blues

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

Postcards from Heaven...

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

Midlife: You Are Here.

"Fill'er up with testosterone."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

"Very funny."

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

"I hope your day is going bad."

Damned if you do...