Satirical Commentators Gifts

'Sure! I rob a bank, and get 10 years! A banker does it, and gets bonuses, and bailed out!'

Cash for honours: 'Suit you, sir - Oooh, suit you!"

That's nothing. You should see what he writes in the comments section.

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"Oh, say you can't see, any conflicts of interest in me! What's good for my brand, is now the law of the land! And the crooked media's nasty glare, my killer tweets bursting in air... Gave proof to the news cycle, that I'm so awesome it's almost unfair!..

"Can you hear me now?"

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

War of Words

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Then someone hit on the idea of selling our torture devices to fitness centers.'

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

Free Speech has heavy price.

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

"With this system nobody ever needs a holiday. A doctor occasionally, but not a holiday."

Leftie Trump

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

Other Than That Everything's Perfect

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

"And you say these stabbing back pains started when you got into politics?"