Satirical Commentators Pillows

'Sure! I rob a bank, and get 10 years! A banker does it, and gets bonuses, and bailed out!'

Cash for honours: 'Suit you, sir - Oooh, suit you!"

Occu-Pie Mars

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

"Can you hear me now?"

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

War of Words

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Then someone hit on the idea of selling our torture devices to fitness centers.'

"With this system nobody ever needs a holiday. A doctor occasionally, but not a holiday."

'Funny you should mention that - I happen to be involved in a joint research project with the Department of Agriculture for the express purpose of getting blood from a turnip.'

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

Free Speech has heavy price.

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

Other Than That Everything's Perfect

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

Trump the Shepherdess

"It looks suspicious to me. Next thing we know, he'll claim the U.S. is part of Russia."

"And you say these stabbing back pains started when you got into politics?"