Satirical Commentary Pillows

'False alarm! I'm back. It was only a career suicide.'

It's only a sin if you talk about it

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Trump

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

The trap

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

"Can you hear me now?"

Peace bomb.

Corporate Punishment.

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

"And you say these stabbing back pains started when you got into politics?"

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

'No.32...congratulations: your pay is frozen. No.38...well done: you're on short term working. No.14...'

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

This could be your blurb.

Stopping Coronavirus

"If the stock market fluctuates due to the emotions of mostly men, isn't there some kind of hormonal therapy available to level those out for them?"